Denial and Acceptance

There has been such a fear of being labeled mentally ill, that many just spend so much energy trying to hide the illness. Years of denial to self when one feels well and years of denial to others when one feels caught in the chaos of a manic or depressed episode. Of course, the depression is the worse but the manic is the most dangerous. When you are manic you think you can do everything. When you are depressed you think that you can do nothing. It is hard to find that middle ground – that place of balance. Sometimes it can be achieved through medication but sometimes nothing seems to help. There is no illness where choosing and moderating medication is truly the art of psychiatry. I sometimes think that I am in perfect harmony only to have some trigger send me over to either depression or mania. Sometimes if care is not taken, antidepressants can make one swing up to quickly to a full blown manic episode is upon you before you know it. Also, if one is in a state of depression and has an ideation of suicide, the antidepressant will lift you just high enough to try and kill self.

At sixty I have learned that I no longer have to deny my illness to myself or to anyone else. One of the blessings of maturity and years of therapy is learning to love and accept self. Also, there is something really good about aging, people just think you are eccentric. This for a writer is a very good label.

Also learning to cope with mental illness really does require the ability to listen to one’s body, mind and spirit in order to try to maintain a sense of balance. I have learned through observation times of the year when I might get triggered into depression (like Seasonal Affective Disorder) and I have learned to monitor my stress level which can swing me either way. The greatest medication for mental illness is education and taking control of one’s illness so that one does not have to swing so far into either dimension and be hospitalized to realize that one’s in need of seeking out psychiatric assistance. It is only education of self, one’s support system, friends and family that can keep one fairly stable. And this is why denial is such a block to living a comfortable and stable life even though one is struck by a really potentially life threatening disease.

Learning that mental illness can be genetic can explain a lot of dysfunctional family interactions. Both of my sons are also mentally ill. One denies it and self-medicates with illegal drugs. Another one accepts it and will reach out for support when he feels he is going to far out on the edge. However, he, like his brother and I, like the edge. It can be exhilarating. It is the excitement of the manic state or even a slightly delusional psychotic state that can be absolutely addictive. My oldest son, the one in denial, craves cocaine because it helps him find immediate gratification of his need for euphoria. I, on the other hand, find that spirituality helps me to discover that state of balance. My son that is accepting of his disorder also finds that spiritual study and work helps him in times of need. However, he like I and his brother has had to fight his demons. Sometimes the demons were our own delusions, sometimes the demons are addictive behavior, sometimes the demons seem to call us from another time and space. But we cope and we move forward.