A marriage of inconvenience
Not since I was a teenager did I fall for the illusion of love to happen. I was content going along with life and letting the thoughts of romance sort of stay in the background of consciousness. After all that is for younger people. After a fairly long marriage of inconvenience, I was pretty much closed off to the thought that I would find happiness. In fact, I never considered love and marriage to be particularly important partners in the dance of life. In fact, I really thought of marriage as a contract but not particularly something one would expect to be sizzling.
If one were to ask me now, why I had gotten married in the first place about my current situation I would be hard pressed to explain my actions. I guess it was easier to be married than be alone. I guess it was a good way to shock people by doing the unexpected and marrying someone 22 years younger than me. I have always gone against the grain of society so to me it was simply a way to say hey if my father could marry a woman 18 years his junior than I could marry a man 22. Maybe it was my way of handling my mid-life crisis. Talk about confusing love with being eccentric. This was just a little bit over the edge and I often felt myself dangling from a cliff. I felt if I let go I would go crashing to the ground and be another failure.
In a marriage, I don’t expect much but I do demand comfort and respect. And at my age, I didn’t expect passion but I think that was the age differences. I would joke and say I married a younger man so I could train him like I wanted. I finally have realized he is totally un-trainable. However, at my age I didn’t think that I would have much of a chance of finding anything better in my life. So I limped along in my relationship tolerating more than I ever would have tolerated when I was younger. After all who would want an older woman who was basically falling apart as a companion? Leaving would mean I would be alone.
Then I thought: Is it better to be lonely with someone or to be lonely by myself?
I don’t know what exactly caused me to change my mind. I don’t know when I began to think that possibly life could be better. I know that my health will not improve significantly. I know that my body will not go back to a different time. Oh, I could lose weight or maybe lower my cholesterol and even get over my anxiety through the help of my doctor. But let’s face it, I am over the hill. I am closer to my death than to my birth.
I just want to be content. I just want to laugh once again. I just want my life to have a sense of order rather than chaos. I guess that in some ways I just want to be left alone if someone is not going to make my life better.
If one were to ask me now, why I had gotten married in the first place about my current situation I would be hard pressed to explain my actions. I guess it was easier to be married than be alone. I guess it was a good way to shock people by doing the unexpected and marrying someone 22 years younger than me. I have always gone against the grain of society so to me it was simply a way to say hey if my father could marry a woman 18 years his junior than I could marry a man 22. Maybe it was my way of handling my mid-life crisis. Talk about confusing love with being eccentric. This was just a little bit over the edge and I often felt myself dangling from a cliff. I felt if I let go I would go crashing to the ground and be another failure.
In a marriage, I don’t expect much but I do demand comfort and respect. And at my age, I didn’t expect passion but I think that was the age differences. I would joke and say I married a younger man so I could train him like I wanted. I finally have realized he is totally un-trainable. However, at my age I didn’t think that I would have much of a chance of finding anything better in my life. So I limped along in my relationship tolerating more than I ever would have tolerated when I was younger. After all who would want an older woman who was basically falling apart as a companion? Leaving would mean I would be alone.
Then I thought: Is it better to be lonely with someone or to be lonely by myself?
I don’t know what exactly caused me to change my mind. I don’t know when I began to think that possibly life could be better. I know that my health will not improve significantly. I know that my body will not go back to a different time. Oh, I could lose weight or maybe lower my cholesterol and even get over my anxiety through the help of my doctor. But let’s face it, I am over the hill. I am closer to my death than to my birth.
I just want to be content. I just want to laugh once again. I just want my life to have a sense of order rather than chaos. I guess that in some ways I just want to be left alone if someone is not going to make my life better.
posted by Myriam Maytorena at 11:03 AM
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