More than random particles in an infinite universe.

In the moments when I am not quite here, I realize that inside me dwells a being that is foreign to this place. It is hard to explain these feelings of alienation but it is like that I am from truly an alien nation and I am living inside a body that isn't mine. I share a brain that is filled with random memories that I don't recognize as mine and I don't feel attached to in any way. It is like my soul came from a place far away where I long to return yet don't know how to find the door that leads home. I don't even know if I would recognize that door unless it is death and that will come in its own sweet time.


I am not sure when this sense of not being part of this reality began but it seems to have been with me for as long as I can remember clearly. I look at family photo albums and I am looking at strangers. Except for my youngest son, I feel no sense of identification with the people who are a part of my past growing up years. I have learned to identify lately with some but that is because they have become more like friends than family. Oh sure I can sometimes recall the memories of the person that seemed to live in this body before but it is more like looking up data on the internet rather than some thought that is integrally mine. Even when I cared for the mother of this body, I did not feel like I was with my mother. It is like I learned to live a story and play a role but it is not me. How does one explain this madness to another? Because what my confessions sounds like is madness.


The early psychologist called themselves alienist and considered their work to be help people feel more integrated and not alienated from their world. Perhaps they were closer to the truth than even they realized. When this sense of detachment from the reality that others profess to experience becomes to strong I withdraw into me and feel a flatness that I cannot control. It is like all the buttons that switch on joy and creativity have been turned to the off position. I wonder is this real or is it just a thought pattern caught in a pulse of electrons.


I wander about this mind looking for answers because I know there are no answers out there. There are only animals masquerading as people trying to believe that their god is real or that their check will come in time to pay for the bills. Once in a while I meet a person and there is something about them that reminds me of who I am as if meeting another American at Walmart in Beijing. I am not aware of a purpose or destiny but I seem to do things that point to some knowing of this in a part of my mind or soul that I cannot quite connect with or recognize. Strange things happen to me that bring me to one event or person that leads to other events or people in what in retrospect appears almost to be planned. I live a life filled with apparent miracles and yet I can't remember praying for them.


While I have true fun doing writing and creative things I don't consider them to be important or earth shaking. I see people obsessed by a point of view, a belief, or a dream and I wonder what is their problem. I am kind to people because it seems like right action for me. In fact, I find it almost incomprehensible why others are not kind or helpful or willing to extend their hearts and their hands to others. Judgments about another person's being less or more as a recognition of value seems to be so pointless.


I am as interested in the empty space that surrounds thought as the thought itself. I consider the idea that the void is black to allow the light to be seen. I think of infinite space which is primarily void. I think of the composition of the body which is primarily void with the same particles dancing in it as dance randomly through the universe. Within this body which holds my random particles is an infinite universe. Out side this body are unlimited particles in an infinite universe. Perhaps that is why I chose to be in this body so that my random thoughts, ideas and energy would be contained and thus become more than the void that allows me to wander aimlessly among a myriad of stars and universes.


Yet today, I feel drawn to once again wander aimlessly among the myriad of stars and universes and perhaps find my way back home.